Cheating on your spouse

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Is looking at porn cheating?

Poll ended at Tue Aug 23, 2005 3:55 am

Total votes: 24
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Postby Sonic# » Fri Jul 15, 2005 5:38 pm

I'm very undecided about it, because I can see how both sides make sense, and I haven't really had to decide for myself about it. As has been touched on, it would depend on the definition of infidelity. And that would really depend on the relationship. Personally... I suppose I'd consider it cheating if I was deceived about the other person's porn viewing, for sure. If she were honest about doing it, then... it would depend on the manner in which it was viewed, like Kizyr said.

"Than seyde Merlion, "Whethir lyke ye bettir the swerde othir the scawberde?" "I lyke bettir the swerde," seyde Arthure. "Ye ar the more unwyse, for the scawberde ys worth ten of the swerde; for whyles ye have the scawberde uppon you, ye shall lose no blood, be ye never so sore wounded. Therefore kepe well the scawberde allweyes with you." --- Le Morte Darthur, Sir Thomas Malory

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Postby Chris » Sun Jul 17, 2005 8:46 pm

I think it is.

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Postby NallOne » Mon Jul 18, 2005 7:05 am

I don't really know where I stand with this. To be perfectly honest if I found out my partner was looking at porn on an overly regular basis, I would think of it as: Each moment he is thinking about the men in those images is a moment he isn't thinking about me. That would make me feel betrayed just as much as if I found out he was physically cheating on me.

On the same end I'd be lying if I said I've never looked at pornography, and while I would do my best to refrain from looking at it if I was in a relationship I can't honestly say I would never look at it or even have thoughts about other people. I can't control intrusive thoughts, as much as I would like to. I suppose pornography in moderation isn't going to kill either of us, but if it becomes a habit and I actually end up losing out on intimacy because he has other means of satisfying myself, then it is a problem.

I would never leave someone for looking at pornography, but I would certainly make an effort to point out how it effects me and ask him to stop - If he refused to, or if I found out he had not stopped while saying he did, that would be both 'cheating' and lying, and then is when the relationship would be old news.

So I guess my answer is: Yes, it is cheating when not done in moderation and the person doesn't take their partner's feelings on the issue into consideration.
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Postby Jenner » Tue Jul 19, 2005 9:02 pm

For the safety of my privacy I'll just leave it at this.
The thought of anyone who I'm in a relationship with thinking of someone else and getting off does give me a small sense of irritation and treachary. However, I don't feel overwhelmingly betrayed, just disappointed, and it's unfair to demand that they only think of you when doing stuff like that. It was just akward and unnerving. It wasn't cheating, it wasn't wrong. If they're still with me, I can accept it.

But it wasn't right either.

It's a very hurtful grey area/loophole.
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Postby Guest » Wed Jul 20, 2005 2:11 am

Well in a religious aspect it is cheating, or adultery but, you could say it depends on the person weather they feel it's cheating or not. Personally I would never think of looking at porn but, hey you could say what would I know i'm only a 14 y.o. boy so it's not like I have much experience on that matter.

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Postby Ruby » Wed Jul 20, 2005 4:10 am

Problems between people about if things like this are a problem or not would be so much more easily avoided if people were more upfront and open with each other from the beginning. Of course, if we were all like that we'd repel potential matches off right away, or it sets you up to be taken an advantage of if the other person is unscrupulous. It's a sad situation. :(

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Postby Coley Lou » Wed Jul 20, 2005 2:35 pm

Ruby wrote:Problems between people about if things like this are a problem or not would be so much more easily avoided if people were more upfront and open with each other from the beginning. Of course, if we were all like that we'd repel potential matches off right away

Smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say on this board. Thank you Ruby.

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Postby Ramza » Thu Jul 21, 2005 9:52 pm

I think it all really does depend on the individual in this case. Some peoples relationships thrive off their openness and willingness to be completely free-spoken in saying that other human beings might be attractive to them or in the case of porn...viewing it. Other relationships, that kind of behavior would only destroy it.

Outisde of my religious beliefs, this is the correct answer. If your spouse deems it as "cheating", it is cheating, and you ought not do it.

Within my religious beliefs, Jesus has already declared that what you do with your eyes/mind in pornography may as well be cheating (two people have already referenced this verse). So, even if my wife were okay with it, it would still be "cheating" in God's eyes.

And, like 99.999% of humanity, I have of course been exposed to the not-so-wonderful world of pornography. Of course it's gratifying, but it's hella-empty. Why would you want to fill your mind with empty pleasures instead of ones that are also enriching? Just a thought there.

But I must conclude by saying that MiaOne's second answer (which I have quoted) is out-and-out the best objective answer that can be given. Kudos, Mia.


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Postby Dyn » Fri Jul 22, 2005 11:50 pm

It depends. I've known couples who would watch it together. I think if it's addressed before the relationship gets serious, it's not cheating. But if it's a "Behind the back" kind of thing, it could really cause problems.

Semi-relevent to the subject, My last girlfriend obsessed over Orlando Bloom and Clay Aiken to the point where I felt like I wasn't even a part of the picture. She wondered why I hated them so much. Anyone else have this problem? Or am I just a little too attention hungry?

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Postby PrettyGirlJean » Sat Jul 23, 2005 4:50 am

I voted "Yes", but only in the sense if you're hiding it from your partner. Early in my relationship I found out that my boyfriend had been looking at porn and trying to hide it from me... I just happen to wake up one day and found him looking at it. I think if he'd been up front, sure I may not have liked it too much, but I certainly wouldn't have been as hurt as I was when finding out he'd been all secretive. It was a real blow to my self-esteem (which has never been very high anyway) and it was akward between us for a while. I really felt like I'd failed somehow. Maybe that sounds dumb or silly, but that's just how it was for me.

We've long since gotten past it and he says that he never wants to look and never does. I tell him its okay if he wants to, I'd prefer to know then for him to hide it from me again.

I don't look at it as cheating if the thought pops into your mind because while I don't want to step on any religious toes, I do find that silly. That simply a thought of some things is a sin... especially since I think sometimes you really can't help thinking of something.

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Postby Alunissage » Sat Jul 23, 2005 7:37 am

Well, I don't think it's so much thinking of something by accident as it is dwelling on it and ultimately seeking it out (as looking at porn would be). I think this is discussed in the Biblical account of David when he saw Bathsheba, that he kept looking and letting desire grow in his heart, which led him to adultery and then trying to cover it up. We can't always help thinking of things even if they're inappropriate, and I'm sure God understands and forgives us's when we dwell on improper desires and let them grow instead of putting them out of mind as much as possible that it's a problem, because then we're choosing to be that way.

And it's not dumb or silly to be hurt or feel diminished by finding your significant other has been looking at porn -- it's hard not to feel that you're being compared and inevitably found wanting, if someone is looking at idealized, sensualized images instead of being content and happy with you. I know that's how I felt when I was in high school and found my then-boyfriend had quite a collection of Playboy (and probably others he was afraid to admit to me). To be honest, I'm not sure I could've formed a relationship with my fiance if he'd been into any of that at all. It sounds like a milder form was happening to Dyn with his ex, so it can happen to both sexes. It's very unpleasant to feel that your significant other is fantasizing about someone else.

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Postby Coley Lou » Sat Jul 23, 2005 4:09 pm

Dyn that's why a lot of guys hate Leonardo DiCaprio now, because of how huge Titanic was with the ladies :roll: It's unfortunate, he's really quite talented. And I LOVE Daniel Day-Lewis but I wouldn't say I obsess over him. I did kind of obsess over Jesse Bradford when I was younger... lol but that's a stalker story I don't want to get into :)

I do agree that if it was happening constantly behind my back I'd be upset. I have no problem with my partner looking at porn, it's really probably because of my upbrining, since I've been so exposed to it since I was young. But I don't stand for lying which to me a secret is. But I really do find it educational XD

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